Christmas Prezzies
by tartan-angel
Summary: Every year, 5 Professors try to get each other the most humorous Christmas present. Fun and mayhem follow. Implied ADMM...if you squint really hard! Rated T to be safe! Please review!
1. Minerva's Presents

CHRISTMAS PREZZIES

_A/N: Don't ask why I'm posting a Christmas story, it literally just hit me as an idea about half an hour ago! ENJOY!_

Every year, five Professors of Hogwarts gather together and get each other the "funniest" Christmas presents. The five in question were currently sat in the Hogwarts Staff Room. Albus Dumbledore sat in a worn red armchair by the fire, which was raging behind its grate, Minerva McGonagall sat, book in hand, on the floor with her back against a very large bookcase, to the left of Albus. Severus Snape also sat on an armchair by the fire, and was fiddling with a fraying strand of fabric on the right arm of his chair, and Filius Flitwick and Pomona Sprout sat on a large armchair, facing the others. Nobody was talking to one another as the cold, pearly white snow whirled outside the window.

"Okay," exclaimed Pomona finally, "I can't stand the waiting anymore! It's present time!" Minerva looked at her and sighed, replacing her book in the bookcase.

"I suppose it is. What say you, Albus?" She asked.

"Of course, my dear. Who shall have the pleasure of going first this year?"

"I believe, Headmaster, that it is Minerva's turn this year." squeaked Filius.

"So it is." Minerva picked up four boxes from under the Christmas tree, which was covered in glistening baubles, that moved and sang carols at rather inconvenient moments, and sparkling tinsel. "Right. This one is for you, Severus." She produced a long box covered in black silk and thrust it at the Potions Master.

It bore a tag saying: '_Merry Christmas. Use it wisely. Minerva._' Severus lifted the lid, revealing a large bottle labelled '_Sleek-easy's Silky-Smooth Shampoo'._ This caused the whole group to fall about with laughter.

"Ha ha. Very funny." said Severus sarcastically.

"You're welcome. Ah, Pomona this one is for you." Minerva carefully passed her a large brown box with what looked suspiciously like air-holes carved into the sides.

"Whoa. There isn't an animal in there, is there?" Pomona asked fearfully.

"You'll have to wait and see won't you?"

The Herbology Professor reluctantly lifted the lid on her box and plucked out, not an animal, but a big red-leafed plant with purple stems and a bright orange flower.

"Well, that wasn't very funny." Said Filius, "We all know that she likes plants."

"Wait and see," Minerva hissed in an undertone, "Pomona, you might want to get some water on that." Pomona obeyed and retuned to the group moments later with a jug of transparent liquid. However, as she poured the water onto the plant, the flower opened up and squirted the water straight back into her face.

Spluttering and soaking, Pomona looked up at Minerva and couldn't help but laugh along with the others. "I have to admit, that was pretty good!"

When the giggles subsided, the Deputy Headmistress picked out another long box, this time covered in a blue fabric and placed it into Filius' hands.

"Thank you." he said gratefully. He apprehensively opened his box and gave a gasp of surprise.

"What is it Filius?" asked Albus. Filius, unable to speak, displayed his present to the rest of the group. Inside the box, there laid a pair of long wooden sticks with a tiny pair of shoes at the top and a larger pair attached to the bottom. She had bought him a pair of stilts!

While the rest of the five tried to hide the amused smirks on their faces, Minerva turned to Filius. "I'm sorry, Filius. I know that was evil of me."

"That's quite alright. I admit, I find it rather humorous myself!"

"And finally, Albus. Enjoy." She passed the Headmaster the final box which was covered in a red velvet. Albus peeled back the top and the others immediately subsided into fits of laughter.

Inside his box was a pair of bright purple socks, covered in moving pictures of the Hogwarts crest. As he pulled them over his toes, he jumped from his chair and began to roll on the floor. Rather odd behaviour from a Headmaster… even a Headmaster like Albus Dumbledore. He tried to wrench them from his feet and, when he eventually did, he looked at Minerva.

"Feet- tickling socks. Ingenious." He placed the socks back into their box. None of the others noticed the minuscule piece of parchment concealed beneath them. It read: '_I'll give you the rest of your present later. Tabby. XXX_.' He smiled to himself and turned to Severus.

"I do believe it is your turn, Severus."

_A/N2: Next up, Severus' presents. Watch this space!_


	2. Severus' Presents

_PREVIOUSLY ON CHRISTMAS PREZZIES: "_I do believe that it is your turn, Severus."

Severus gave an incomprehensible grunt and plucked four packages from under the braches of the tree. When he returned Minerva held a glass of red wine and Pomona held a white one. He glared at them surreptitiously.

"What?" asked Minerva, feigning innocence, "If the Potions Master of Doom is handing out Christmas presents I am going to need some alcohol." She sipped her wine and glared right back at him. Severus sighed and threw a soft parcel to Albus.

"Thank you Severus." The Headmaster carefully unwrapped the parcel and revealed a red hat with white trimmings. He placed it on his head, causing Minerva to almost choke on her wine.

"Nobody told me Father Christmas was joining us!" said she.

"Well, it shouldn't matter… unless you've been a naughty girl-"

"Eww… that is quite enough thank you!" chirped Filius before Albus could plant any unwanted images in his mind. Severus passed the tiny wizard a hard rectangular present. Filius cautiously removed the wrapping paper and extracted a book from inside. The front cover bore the words 'Snow White and the Eight Dwarfs' in swirly silver lettering.

"It is a Muggle fairy tale. Although, I added some parts, traditionally it would have been seven dwarfs but I felt that Filius was more than apt for another!" Severus explained wryly. Pomona chuckled loudly, while Filius began to feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

"Very good, very good!"

"Minerva, this one is for you." Severus threw her an oval package which she opened, unearthing a large ball of wool with a knitted mouse hanging from the end. This was evidently too much for Albus, who was still wearing his Santa hat; he was practically rolling around with laughter. Pomona snorted on her wine and Minerva tried _extremely _hard to suppress a smile.

"Ha ha… very funny!" she said sarcastically. Severus smirked and passed Pomona the final present. Pomona grinned and silently prayed that she wouldn't be squirted with any more water. When she had finished unwrapping it, she breathed a sigh of relief. Contained inside the paper was, not a water-squirting plant, but a long hairbrush with vines painted up the handle. Pomona turned a bright shade of red.

"Well," she sighed, patting her flyaway curls, "I suppose I could do with one of these!"

After the laughter had subsided, Albus announced: "Pomona, I think it may be your go now."

_A/N: Reviews are really appreciated! _

_NEXT UP: Pomona Sprout's presents!_


	3. Pommie's Presents

Pomona's Presents

The truth be told, each of the other Professors were most looking forward to Pomona's presents; she had a reputation for being the cheekiest of the five.

Pomona pottered over to the Christmas tree and resumed her seat minutes later, arms laden with presents. The first one, a thick rectangular package, she handed to Minerva. The Scottish witch thanked her, removed the red paper surrounding it and began to laugh.

After a minute it became apparent what she was laughing at; within the package was a heavy Muggle book. The book had a bright red cover and the title emblazoned across it in bold white letters. It said: "A Guide to Anger Management: Keep your Temper in Check" by A. N. Gray.

The rest of the group seemed to agree with the sentiments attached to the present because by the time Pomona handed her next present to Filius, they had tears of laughter in their eyes (even Severus and that is saying something).

Filius graciously accepted the squashy parcel. As he cautiously peeled back the dark blue wrapping paper, his expression turned to one of curiosity mingled with excitement. Contained inside his present was a short, thin fishing rod and a bright red hat. Filius pulled on the pointed hat and held onto the fishing rod. Only Pomona and Minerva laughed.

"I am afraid I do not quite see the joke in this present," admitted Albus.

"Albus, _really_! It is supposed to make Filius look like one of those little ceramic things that Muggles think are gnomes!" Minerva explained exasperatedly.

"Oh! Oh, very good!" Albus chuckled.

Pomona's next present was intended for Severus, who sneered as he tore off the green and silver wrapping paper. From within the mess of paper, Severus plucked a small black object. On closer inspection, it became apparent that Severus's present was indeed a little toy bat. However, after mere seconds more, the bat's long teeth disappeared and its mouth curled up into a smile. Suddenly the bat was no longer a bat, but was reduced into a puff of smoke. From the puff of smoke burst forth a dozen yellow smiley faces, which swarmed down upon Severus and attacked his arms. The smiles, Pomona explained, could not be called off until a smile graced the owner's face.

By the time Severus surrendered to the smiles and his present turned back into a bat (which was swiftly shoved back into its paper confines), the other teachers were falling about. However, they hastily ceased their laughter upon receiving death glares from the Potions Master.

"Well – um – Albus, this one's for you." Pomona announced awkwardly.

"Ah, thank you very much."

Albus extracted, from his purple-covered present, a thick, extremely heavy book. His smile slipped a little before Pomona eagerly told him to open it. He obliged and was curious to find, not a long thesis on elemental Transfiguration, but a large hole in the centre of the book. Inside the cubby hole, he found a little bag labelled 'LEMON DROPS'. As he eagerly opened the bag, Pomona glanced at her other companions who were all flashing her confused stares.

However, to Albus' chagrin, contained in the bag was a small piece of paper. He picked it up and read the neat scribble that was attributed to Pomona Sprout.

It read: _Dear Albus,_

_Merry Christmas. I am sure you were expecting a certain type of Muggle sweet to be contained in this bag. Today you will have learned not to judge a book (or bag) by its cover. _

_The lemon drops do actually exist, but I am holding them hostage, including all of the ones that I could gather from your office (with a little help, of course). Therefore, this is a ransom note. All that I demand is that you give us a proper Christmas party every year. I must encourage you to comply with this or you shall never see your precious lemon drops alive ever again! Bwah ha ha ha!_

_Pommie S._

Albus could not believe that this usually kind-hearted witch would sink so low as to steal his treasured lemon drops! It was despicable! But then, maybe a staff Christmas party wouldn't be such a dismal thing. He looked at Pomona.

"For the sake of the lemon drops, I concur. You shall get your party."

Pomona grinned. "I had a feeling you would say that. Your precious sweets shall be returned to you when you fulfil your promise."

"What promise is that, Pomona?" Severus asked.

"Oh, you'll see." She replied slyly.

_A/N: So sorry that this chapter took so ridiculously long to write. Life has a tendency to get in the way. Also, if you happen to have any ideas for presents, please let me know. :-) _

_Filius is taking the stage next! YAY!_


	4. Fillie's Presents

_A/N: Thank you to Celine the Magnanimous. :)_

After a short interval (that was not a joke about Filius, by the way) the five staff members re-conformed in front of the Christmas tree. Filius's presents were renowned for their skilled charm work, for obvious reasons.

"Albus," Filius squeaked, "this one is for you." He handed the Headmaster a small neon yellow box with a blue ribbon wrapped around it.

Opening the box, Albus caught flashes of shiny material until he finally removed all of the papery padding. Inside was a pair of polished silver scissors with an intricate little phoenix depicted on the side. But Albus didn't even try to pick them up before they whirled up into the air around his head and began snipping away mercilessly at his treasured hair and beard, creating a light fog around the Headmaster.

A moment later, when the mist dispersed, Albus Dumbledore re-emerged. His colleagues sat in stunned silence. Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore had a mullet. A pink one, at that. They couldn't help it anymore.

Minerva and Pomona looked as if they were being relentlessly tickled while Filius was letting out squeaky giggles and Severus actually had tears in his eyes.

"Please," pleaded Albus, "just put it back. Please!"

"Well, since you beg so nicely…" With a swift flick of Filius's wand, Albus's mane was restored to its former grey glory.

"Wow, I wish I had a camera just then," Pomona interjected.

"Of course you do. Any way, shall we get on with this? Severus, would you like yours next?" Albus asked this quickly in an attempt to change the subject. But, little did he know, none of them would ever forget it.

Filius passed Severus a thick, bulky black box which, when unwrapped, revealed some black robes that looked just like the Potions Master's customary gloomy ones.

"Well," began Filius, "I would be much obliged if you would go and try them on." With a suspicious look at the others, Severus Snape rose and left the room to put on the new robes.

"What in Merlin's green beard are you playing at?" Pomona asked curiously.

"You'll see."

Sure enough, less than a minute later, there came a shriek from the adjacent room.

"FLITWICK!" was Severus's only reply.

When Severus re-entered the room, the other teachers were laughing, though somewhat confusedly at his outburst.

"What happened Severus?" inquired Minerva lightly.

The Potions Master gave a little incomprehensible grunt before repeating more loudly: "They changed colour."

"What?"

"They were pink and orange and green... it was awful." The rest of the staff chuckled at his dazed expression.

"What I would have given to see that!" added Pomona in an undertone.

"Minerva, this one is for you!" Filius said, handing (with some effort) the deputy headmistress a box that was about the size of himself. From the box emerged a fluffy white stuffed dog with brown patches over the ears and eyes. The staff were so busy admiring the teddy that they never noticed the sliver of parchment that the little Charms professor passed to the Herbology mistress.

"Oh sweet Merlin!" cried Pomona loudly.

"What is it, Pomona?" asked Albus with thorough concern.

"I-I thought I saw a mouse run under that cabinet," she explained, pointing at a dark wooden cabinet containing several glass bottles. "Minerva, be a pal and check, will you?"

"I suppose so." Minerva agreed. She quickly transformed into her feline form and darted towards the cabinet. However, it seemed that the dog had other plans; it suddenly sprang to life and chased straight after the tabby cat. Minerva zipped around the room, trying to escape the dog, but it wouldn't leave her alone for a second. After several minutes, she finally surrendered and leapt onto the lap of a severely laughing Albus Dumbledore. The dog continued the bark at his feet until Minerva transformed back into her human self. Then, it was still. It just stopped.

"My goodness. How dense do you have to be to keep running from a stuffed toy? But then, you are a Gryffindor I suppose." Severus drawled.

"Better than being a sly pretentious Slytherin prat!" Minerva retorted.

"Now, now children! Play nicely!" chastised Albus.

"Right… well, last - but certainly not least – Pomona!" Filius gave her a small square package wrapped in yellow paper that was covered in spiralling ivy creepers. The present contained a small migraine-inducingly bright neon pink tub with a bright yellow label which read: 'VANISH – for all your stain removal needs!'

"Why, you cheeky little wart! Are you saying I need to shower more?"

"Well… it wouldn't hurt…" Filius replied feebly.

"You put your foot in it!" Albus and Minerva replied in perfect synchronisation.

"You bet he did!" Pomona screeched.

"I'm supposing that you don't want your second present then?" Filius asked quietly.

"What might that be?"

"A bar of soap!"

"Why, you…!" Pomona shouted irately. She got increasingly angry by the second. Put it this way, by the time she had cooled down, Filius was lucky to still have his head. The others, in contrast, were physically restraining themselves form laughing in each others' faces.

"Albus! Get on with your presents before I tear Filius to shreds!" Pomona commanded.

"Yes ma'am!"


	5. Dumbles's Prezzies

_A/N: I apologize but this chapter has been very quickly cobbled together._

Albus's Presents

The final bout of gifts was from the revered, and admittedly slightly whacky, Headmaster. Firstly, he presented Filius Flitwick with a square box wrapped in aubergine coloured paper. Filius, though not wishing to sound ungrateful, prayed to Merlin that the present within would not be in Albus's general mad colour scheme.

Thankfully, within the package was a soft white cotton t-shirt that had been magically shrunken to fit Filius exactly. When unfolded, however, the shirt portrayed a message that Filius had been trying to put across for years: _'I'm not short, I'm just vertically challenged.'_

Evidently this became a great source of humour for his colleagues as Pomona let out a very unladylike snort, Severus hid his face behind a handkerchief and Minerva was bright red in the face.

"It's nice to know you think this is so funny," said Filius sarcastically.

"Oh my Merlin! D-did Filius just do sarcasm?" asked Minerva in a tone of faux-astonishment.

"Okay, claws away please," Albus intervened quickly. "Pomona, this is for you."

He passed her a bright pink present that contained a shiny bronze plaque. Engraved into it was the phrase '_Save a tree – don't do your homework'._ It was a well-known fact that Pomona Sprout despised assigning homework and only did so very occasionally or when she was feeling particularly evil.

"Don't use that! We'll never get our essays handed back!" exclaimed Severus.

"If we don't I am entirely blaming you, Albus," threatened Minerva.

This seemed to be enough to subdue Albus so he quickly said:

"Er... moving on, then. Severus, this one is for you."

He gave Severus a heavy rectangular parcel. Inside it was a big black book entitled _'Christmas Basics for the Modern-Day Scrooge'._

"I resent that," was all that Severus could manage in reply.

"You're losing your touch, Snape."

"I beg to differ, Minerva, you flea-ridden old tea cosy."

"Tea cosy? You really are losing your touch!"

Sensing a brewing argument (he always got it a bit late), Albus presented Minerva with a bulky red package that was covered in green stars. Wrapped delicately in soft tissue paper sat a large cold crystal ball, just covering the single word 'SORRY' from view.

"You little newt! That is just wrong! I can't believe you sent me that!"

"Now, now, Minerva I think it's high time that you got over your irrational fear of Divination," announced Snape.

"I'm not afraid of it, I just think it's ridiculous."

"Like Albus, you mean," interjected Pomona.

~*~

The staff stayed there for a couple more hours before, one by one, they each retired to their chambers. That was the end of another Christmas. Who do you think gave the best Christmas presents?


	6. The Final Prezzie

Later That Night...

It was getting dark around Hogwarts castle but not everyone was sleeping. Minerva McGonagall was awake and headed towards Albus Dumbledore's office.

She gave the password (Sherbert Lemons, once again) to the stone gargoyles and ascended the spiralling staircase that sprang out of nowhere. When she reached the top, she knocked lightly on the office door and, before waiting for a reply, entered the room. Some would deem that as rude but she didn't think so; she was his wife, after all.

"Minerva, my dear, I had a feeling you would be coming up here soon."

"Merry Christmas, Albus," she said, planting a passionate kiss on his lips. Albus didn't need an excuse to pick his wife up and swoop towards their bedroom.

"Keep it down, will you?" shouted Phineas Nigellus after the pair.

"Of course, Phineas," Minerva replied, saluting at him patronizingly.

It was to be a merry Christmas indeed.

_A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed :)_


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